230lbs. to 130lbs.

I've always had a big appetite.  

I've always been a stress eater. 

When we got married, yes it was one of the happiest moments of my life but it was also extremely stressful. Marriage is not a fairy tale, the first year it's a LOT of work. Two people that have done things their own way, their entire lives are suddenly thrown together and EXPECTED to figure it out.  We were both stubborn, had our own ideals, and wanted things done OUR way.  Marriage is tough. I think divorce rates more than prove that.  

On top of the struggles of a new marriage I had a very difficult relationship with my new Mother-in-Law. She's an amazing women (I mean she did raise my Husband right?)  But to say our relationship was less then cordial was putting it nicely.  I never spoke back/defended myself because you just don't do that with elders. And most importantly I knew the Hubs was between a rock & a hard place. Our first year of marriage I felt suffocated.  I was married to an amazing (albeit stubborn man.. we've BOTH learned to compromise over the years) but his mother constantly made me feel like crap.  I could do nothing right and was constantly berated for it.  Even in public.  It was killing him watching his mother treat me the way she did - I wasn't about to reciprocate the same way no matter how much she hurt/upset/angered me.  

Instead I cried and ate my feelings. 

But I couldn't really complain I mean we lived a typical Yuppie lifestyle.  Hubs worked for a private company in San Francisco, the occasional international trip, Sunday brunch with the girls and Friday nights meant trying out whatever was the latest, greatest and swankiest SF eatery.

And then out of no where The Hubs wakes up one day and says:

"I think I want to go back into the service."

Say what?  What the what.

Growing up I was pretty sheltered I didn't even KNOW anyone in the military much less had any exposure to it whatsoever.  When the Hubs originally brought it up we discussed it for a full 48 hours straight we didn't even sleep.

I basically flat out said no in the beginning but after listening to him I realized he was about as selfless a person could possibly be.  He wanted to serve those (and their amazing families) that were putting their lives on the line every single day..  He wanted to do good by his country.  He didn't have to join the military but he wanted to to do more with his life and feel like he was actually making a difference. How could I say no to that.

We joined and in less than 3 years we've gone from San Francisco to Texas, to Germany, back to Texas, to Washington DC, back to Germany. Insane right?  Did you know "Moving" is one of the 3 biggest stresses in life?  It ranks up there with Death & Divorce. 

Moving in general was hard but moving to Germany was ESPECIALLY hard.  

Isolating even.  

I gave up friends, family, job, self identity.

And all the while the scale kept creeping higher and higher.  One day in a dressing room I realized I couldn't even fit into a size 18.  I sat down on the dressing room floor and basically had a breakdown.  F21, H&M ect whatever was cheap and whatever I could pull over my fat.  Lots of jean leggings because nope buttons wouldn't work.  I couldn't get regular pants/jeans up my thighs.  Half the time I didn't even care if it was cute or not. (Believe me when you're over a size 12 there's not a whole lot that's cute.)  I would wear the same thing for days on end because nothing would fit and I hated shopping.  I couldn't even look myself in the mirror.

This is a total side note but even while I was/is loosing weight I continued to wear cheap "throwaway" clothes because I've literally gone from a size 20 to a size 4/6 in a year and a half.  I couldn't very well be running out every single month and buying an entire new wardrobe so while I was losing weight the cheap stretchy/oversized tee shirts and leggings that I wore when I was Obese allowed me to wear them for greater amounts of weight loss before I had to replace them. When I lost the first 50 pounds (180lbs.) I ran out and bought some a pair of new jeans and a blazer from a pricey mid level European brand and then within 2 months they became entirely too big.  At this point I've had to donate bags upon bags of clothes so if I find something TRULY amazing/pretty/cute I'll purchase it in a slightly smaller size for motivation because I know at some point I'll get there!

I was generally unhappy, depressed and pissy all the time.  I was critical about everything and everyone - even total strangers!  Ever hear the phrase "Everyone you meet is your mirror"?  I strongly believe that whenever we judge someone else we're really just noticing things about ourselves we don't love. The bigger I got the more hyper critical I got.  To make myself feel better I would make judgements about people all the time namely appearance wise (I suspect it had more to do with my own body issues than anything else) .. "She really should see a hairstylist", "Talk about cankles", "UGH she really should not be wearing that." ect.

I was a truly hateful sucky person.

NOBODY that's leads a truly fulfilling and happy life spends their time concerned with others shortcomings or for that matter even notices them at all. And to a certain extent in my (completely deluded) state I thought that if I was judgemental and critical of them first then it would negate THEM being judgemental & critical of MY appearance and weight.

There's two articles that I found online when I was at an all time low that really floored me when I read them. Even now when my weight creeps up a few pounds and I'm feeling a bit negative I go back to to them because it really does put me in a better head space.

Judging People & How To Accept Yourself & Stop Judging. 

I realized the more unhappy I was with myself the more I judged others which lead me right back to judging myself and (then binge eating while I did it).  It was a vicious endless cycle. 

I go back to these articles periodically to remind myself of how far I've come and more importantly how far I want to go.

After all happy begets happy! 

I mean seriously how can good things happen to you when you spend all your time being negative and nasty.

And bonus because....

And what's not to be happy about I'm married to the most amazing man ever.  A man who never once ceased to tell me that I was beautiful even at 230lbs.

Truth of the matter was I was a sh*tty wife to him.  I was petty, disagreeable, hyper critical and completely checked out.  I never wanted to do anything.  He'd want to walk the dogs, go out to dinner, go on a trip.  It was always "pass", "boring", not interested".

One of the biggest reasons that drew me to my husband in the first place was how disciplined of an individual he was.  When we met I was so impressed by his Doctorate (not because it meant he was a smartie.. which he is tho lol!) but because I know it takes that much for someone to complete a Doctoral program.  I felt embarrassed for myself all the time but deep down I was embarrassed for him.  Someone that works 8-10 hours a day, comes home and studies 4 hours and then works-out/runs/goes to the gym 3x a week.  I couldn't even compare and since I couldn't - I nagged, super hyper-critical about everything.  I wanted to make HIM feel like he didn't measure up which was far from the truth because the reality was that I DIDN'T.

It wasn't just a vanity issue that catapulted me to lose weight - I went in for an annual health exam (something that I'd avoided for a good 4-5 years at that point but became a requirement when you joined army life) and a week later the Hubs came home and sat me down and said "Babe you know I rarely ever say no to you but.... you have to change your eating habits.  You're pre-diabetic, you have hypertension (high blood pressure), high cholesterol.. if you continue this way in a year or so you're going to need daily insulin shots, Lipitor, Anti-Hypertensives ect.

I was 29.   

As the weight dropped off I felt happier and more confident about myself, I realized I was criticizing others (and myself!) less.  I felt plugged in.. I wanted to be outside, to travel, to volunteer, to work again, to learn how to drive again (long story short got into major accident, totaled car completely, too paralyzed by fear to drive since then end story).

And something else amazing happened - I was suddenly a much better wife to my husband (something he deserved all along).  I was interested in his work life.  I was interested in going out with him.  I took over grooming our fur babies.  I started weekly menu planning and cooking more elaborate meals.  I helped him with work & school stuff.  The list goes on but in general I was a much more "present" person and wife.

As the numbers on the scale got smaller and smaller I realized I was also purchasing less and less luxury goods.  I went from acquiring 4 new Chanel bags in one year to 1 Chanel bag in THREE years!  And some 10+ pairs of designer shoes whittled down to just 2 pairs last year (both of which were gifted by the Hubs so I "technically" didn't purchase a single pair of shoes on my own account last year lol!). Don't get me wrong I will always love designer goods.. I mean who doesn't?  But I realized to a certain extent I was "hiding" behind my designer goods.  I NEEDED them to feel good about myself.  I wasn't actually enjoying them like someone who was comfortable and happy with themselves.

And actually the Hubs surprised me with a couple of Chanel bags & other luxury items this past year with his annual bonus but I never "revealed" them because I... *GASP* returned them!  And I put the money towards the principal of our car.. which allowed us to pay off our car 2 years earlier!!

BEST FEELING EVERRRR!

(Yes even better than a new purse lol!)

I know this post is pretty word heavy and deep(er) then normal but I felt like 100 pounds of weight loss in the last year and a half warranted it!

Stay tuned in the next few weeks I'm going to be a doing a mini blog series detailing exactly how I lost all the weight!!

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In The Kitchen: BAKED SUSHI RICE

One of the things I miss the most from living in Hawaii is that there was a really strong sense of Ohana (Ohana means Family!) and family didn't mean your immediate relatives it meant everyone and anyone you knew!  There were always get-togethers.. it seemed like just about EVERY week there was a get-together/pot luck/BBQ happening.  Just amazing people getting together and having a good time.

At one of these said pot lucks someone brought this dish. 

And I swear when I tried it I was like WHOA.

#MINDBLOWN 

It's so awesome, delicious, fun and interactive.

Ingredients:

4 Cups of Cooked Rice

1/2 Pound Surimi (Imitation Crab)

6 Stalks of Green Onion

1/2 Cup Sour Cream (I use Light)

1/2 Cup Mayo (I use Light)

1 Tbsp Honey

Cooking Spray

1/2 Can of Furikake

1 Avocado

Korean Seaweed

Wasabi (Optional)

Soy Sauce (Optional)

Pre-Heat Oven 300 Degrees F.

Spray a baking dish with cooking spray.

Fill with your cooked rice.

Pat the rice down firmly into the baking dish.

(You can use whatever pan/dish you have or prefer I just like to use a clear one because you can see all the "layers" that you "build" :)

Take off the plastic wrapping that separates your Surimi.

Cut each one in half.

Shred into small pieces.

In a cup mix your mayo.

Honey

And Sour cream and mix all three together thoroughly.

Dice your green onions and add it to your shredded Surimi.

Add your cream mixture to your green onion & Surimi mix.

Mix together thoroughly.

Sprinkle 1/2 of your Furikake on top of your rice.

Make sure to completely cover your rice.  

You can use less or more if you prefer but this is where a lot of the "flavor" in your dish will come from. 

Now take your creamy Surimi mixture and top your Furikake.

Spread evenly so that it completely covers your Furikake.

And pop into the oven about 15 to 20 mins.. just until you notice the Surimi starts to brown.

While your dish is baking you can slice your avocado.

After your dish starts to brown you can take it out of the oven.

Top off with your sliced Avocado!

Take your seaweed and add a spoonful of your Baked Sushi Rice and eat!

Enjoy w/ some Wasabi & Soy sauce!

Super fun and interactive so you can see why this is great for parties/get-togethers.

If you want a larger portion for a party ect just double up on all the ingredients :)

Sidenote: You should use a small spoon and drizzle the soy sauce on don't try to dip it INTO the soy sauce it will fall apart into the sauce lol.

(Shout out to Wei-Wei for sending me this recipe!! Thanks hon :)

LUXEMBOURG (& Quickie Hermes Reveal!)

The Hub's work had a weekend retreat away in Luxembourg.

There's nothing more indulgent then hotel breakfast buffet or room service.

(Mostly because I don't have to cook OR clean up afterwards lol!)

Even better when it's comped ahahaha!

Pain au Chocolat & Chai Latte

A daily (vacation) indulgence!

Mixed Fruit Bowl, Banana Milkshake, Ham & Cheese Crepe

Mandarin & Oreo Gelato

Adolphe Bridge

It's hard to tell from the picture because the sun is so bright but they had these amazing catacombs built right into the mountain side very cool!!

My plate vs. The Hubs.. and he went home 2lbs lighter whereas I gained 6lbs. 

GRRRRRR.

#LifeIsNotFair

Everyone knows about the infamous Rick Owens Blister jacket (if you're not familiar you can check out this post I did three years ago about every celeb and their momma wearing it). When I did the post 3 years ago it retailed for $2k well I just checked Neiman's and the jacket currently retails for $2600.  It's gone up $600 bucks in 3 years! *yikes*!

Irregardless $2000 or $2600 is not in the budget for a jacket.  (Yes admittedly some of my purses are more expensive but even WhoWhatWear.com tells you to invest in a purse! On that note I haven't spent that much on a purse in a few years.  So I guess I'm having difficulty justifying it with a purse these days too lol.)  

But also because as a lot of you know my weight has constantly changed over the last few years. Which is why I tend to not spend too much in regards to clothing.  My purses won't ever stop fitting me! #truth   

Anyways at Mango I fell upon this jacket and in honor of (nearly!) reaching my goal weight I splurged!

Unzipped

Total Rick Owen's Blister Jacket Dupe!

Just about freaked when I saw it.  I love the oversized moto lapels!

The jacket retails for $169 Euro = $234 USD.  However I just checked the US Mango website and the same jacket retails for $289 USD.  So if you can scoop this up in Europe/EU online then I would definitely recommend it because with tax you're saving $80+.  Either way it's still a steal in comparison to the Rick Owens jacket.

Zipped Up

Does anybody know how Mango sizes run??  TTS? Small? Large?

I'm not entirely sure how Mango sizes run but I started out by trying the jacket in size L and it was too big so I switched to M still too big... then S.. then XS.. and I thought I was getting greedy but even the Hubs said it was too big.. and I ended up with XXS!

But on no planet am I a XXS.. not even a XS.. honestly even a S is pushing it!  So I'm just wondering if their sizing is really off or they're just very inconsistent haha.

Back

One of the days in Luxembourg after sightseeing we were relaxing at a cafe I was sitting with my legs crossed.  Well my leg fell asleep and when I went to stand up I lost my balance and twisted my ankle. (Boots + Cobblestone is not a good combination and yes I'm an total klutz ahaha).

Anyways long story short my ankle blew up like a baseball!

So I spent one of the days holed up in our hotel room because the Hubs didn't want me walking around.  After The Hubs took me back to the hotel he left to get me medicine and came back with an Orange Box!!! 

EHHHHHH!

Lately I've found myself more then content with my handbag and shoes collection.  (Much to The Hubs delight. ahaha)  My attention seems to have shifted to home goods and interior design. 

Well the Hubs has been paying attention and came back with this gorgeous piece from Hermes!!  I love love it!!  I think it's actually an ashtray lol?  We're not smokers but I still think it would be beautiful on a coffee/end table.

#BestHubbyEver :)