But on this particular day I fell upon this amazing article.
"A casual stroll through Twitter (or the comments sections of most websites) will show you that the internet can be a profoundly depressing place, full of soul-crushing negativity and even full-blown hate. Of course, there are pockets of light in the darkness — pinpricks of inspiration that remind us the world is not all cynical and sad." (Go here to keep reading the rest of the article)
Now what's interesting about this photo is that the Left side is the "BEFORE" and the right side is the "AFTER". Society obviously views the "BEFORE" as the body we should aspire to and yet what stunned me wasn't how it looked like a mixed up "BEFORE & "AFTER" picture but how at peace, how content and how comfortable she looked in her own skin in the "AFTER" picture.
And I wondered... when will I feel that way?
Literal chills after I watched that video.
People are like "ommmmgosh you lost so much weight life must be SOO great now!"
What they don't tell you or talk about is how your body doesn't actually "go back" the way it's "suppose" to. Or that it doesn't really look like someone that has been fairly consistent with their weight their entire life.
I have A LOT of stretch marks more than some of my girlfriends that have 2 or 3 kids. In fact when people don't believe that I've lost 100 pounds I pull up my shirt and show them my stretch marks and watch there mouths slowly fall wide open into a "O" shape. I've never worn a bikini before and I'll probably never wear one in my lifetime. I was 180lbs. by the time I was a junior in high school and now that I'm what people consider a "normal" weight I would love to be confident enough to put a bikini on but I don't think I'll ever get there. There's just sooo so many stretch marks all over the front of my stomach, the sides of my stomach, and my back. I have visible stretch marks on the inside of my arms, inner thighs, going down the back of my legs and behind me knees.
That crop top trend all the fashion bloggers are doing these days. Yeah that's not going to happen. No matter how much weight I lose my stomach will always sag and hang over whatever I wear. I think that's why even though I'm significant thinner now I still live in leggings because honestly having to button/zip up pants over sagging skin is REALLY uncomfortable. Think muffin top x 10000. And unlike people that have just gained a couple of pounds and that's why they have muffin top I can't just WEAR larger pants because my waist is now much smaller then all the saggy skin around my lower abdomen. On days when I decide to wear a dress (because admittedly it's easier ie. less constricting around my mid section) my stomach will ALWAYS look bloated and it's not because I'm retaining water it's because I have so much excess "hanging" skin there now.
There's a lot of it specifically the back of my upper thighs. When I was 200 pounds I would wear head to toe black long sleeves and pants because I was so ashamed of how I looked in Hawaii (btw NOBODY dresses like that in Hawaii.) And I would actually FANTASIZE about the day where I could put on a pair of cute short shorts or a mini skirt and feel confident and comfortable with myself. I'm embarrassed to admit this but I've actually tried on shorts/skirts and had the Hubs take pictures of me from behind just so I could see how much Cellulite is there. It's demoralizing.. and truthfully it's not that pretty but I worked damn hard to get here so I'm going to wear those shorts/mini (ok maybe not so mini probably more like mid thigh haha) skirts this summer that I dreamed about when I was 100 pounds heavier.
Truthfully I kept waiting for a day that I would be "perfect" I kept thinking well if I just lost another 50 pounds I'd be perfect. Well 50 pounds turned into another 20 pounds.. then another 10 pounds.. then 5.. even 2. I became obsessed with the numbers on my scale (to the point that The Hubs actually started to HIDE the scale in our apartment). I finally realized that no I'll never be a size 0 or even a 2.. I mean I'm barely scratching a 4 as is lol. And that's ok. I'm curvy and I (sort of) accept that now. Growing up I hated the word "curvy" because "curvy" for a Taiwanese girl with Taiwanese parents/relatives/extended relatives who you only saw once every 2 years (yet still had no problems sharing with you exactly what they thought about how you looked) meant that you were "fat". But I'm a little older now and well my husband loves my curves and because of that I'm slowly learning to love them as well.
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